Orientations

Coming out

Alsocoming out of the closetcome outcame outcoming-out story

Definition

The process of recognising one's own sexual orientation or gender identity and choosing to share it with others.

At a glance

  • Includes recognising one's own orientation or gender identity and sharing it with others.
  • Rarely a single moment, and often repeated throughout life.
  • Whether, when and to whom to come out is the person's own decision.
  • Being out in some settings but not others is common.
  • Nobody is obliged to come out.

In detail

Coming out is rarely a single moment. Many people come out first to themselves, then gradually to friends, family, colleagues or new acquaintances, sometimes many times over a lifetime.

Whether, when and to whom to come out is the person's own decision, shaped by safety, culture and support. Nobody is obliged to come out, and being out in some settings but not others is common.

In a sentence

  • I came out to my sister first, then to my parents a few months later.
  • Starting a new job meant coming out all over again.

Where the word comes from

Short for coming out of the closet. In early twentieth-century gay slang, coming out meant entering gay social life, borrowing from debutantes coming out into society; the link to the closet metaphor became common later.

Not to be confused with

  • Outing

    Outing is when someone else discloses a person's identity without their consent.

Common questions

How do I come out?

There is no single right way. Many people start with someone they trust and feel safe with, and choose a time and place that feels comfortable. Thinking about safety and support first is wise, and LGBTQ+ helplines and groups can help you plan.

What should I say if someone comes out to me?

Thank them for trusting you, listen, and ask how they would like you to support them. Check who else knows before mentioning it to anyone, so you do not out them by accident.

Related terms