Understanding the asexual and aromantic spectrums

Sexual orientation describes a lasting pattern of sexual attraction, or the lack of it. Romantic orientation describes whom someone feels romantic attraction towards, such as wanting to date or fall in love. For many people the two line up, but not for everyone.

The split attraction model gives words for that difference, so a person might describe their sexual and romantic orientations with separate labels. It is a tool some people find helpful, not a rule everyone has to use.

An asexual person experiences little or no sexual attraction. Asexuality is an orientation, not a medical problem, and it is different from choosing abstinence or from a loss of desire that causes distress. Allosexual is the counterpart term for people who do experience sexual attraction.

The asexual spectrum, sometimes shortened to ace, includes people whose attraction is rare, weak or conditional. A graysexual person experiences it only occasionally or faintly, while a demisexual person experiences it only after forming a strong emotional bond.

An aromantic person experiences little or no romantic attraction. Many aromantic people still value close friendships, family and community, and some have sexual relationships. Someone who is both aromantic and asexual may call themselves aroace.

Because romance is not the centre of every life, some people build a queerplatonic relationship: a committed, non-romantic bond that is closer or more intertwined than a typical friendship. Others simply invest deeply in platonic relationships.

Asexual people can and do have relationships, marry and raise families. Some are comfortable with sex for a partner's sake or for other reasons, and some are not; either is valid. Asexuality is also not the same as celibacy, which is a choice about behaviour rather than a pattern of attraction.

Another myth is that ace or aro people just have not met the right person yet. Social pressure to follow the relationship escalator, and assumptions that everyone is heading towards romance and sex, can make it harder for people to recognise their own experience.

Attraction can shift over time for some people, a pattern known as sexual fluidity. It is fine to be questioning, to try a label for a while and to change it later. The best guide is always how someone describes themselves.

If a friend comes out as ace or aro, a simple thank you and a few respectful questions go a long way. Asexual and aromantic people are part of the wider LGBTQ+ community, and being a good ally starts with taking their experience seriously.