Ethical non-monogamy explained

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for any relationship style in which people are not exclusive to one partner. Ethical non-monogamy adds the key ingredient: everyone involved knows about the arrangement and agrees to it. That is what separates it from infidelity, which breaks the agreed boundaries of a relationship in secret.

Monogamy is still the most common structure, and it is a perfectly valid choice. Some couples sit in between, describing themselves as monogamish: mostly exclusive, with agreed and limited exceptions.

Polyamory means having, or being open to, more than one loving and committed relationship at a time. An open relationship usually describes a committed couple who agree that one or both may see other people, often with a focus on sexual rather than romantic connections. Swinging typically involves couples meeting other people together, often at social events.

Other shapes exist too. A throuple is three people all partnered with each other, polyfidelity is a closed group, and relationship anarchy rejects fixed rules and hierarchies altogether, letting each connection be shaped by the people in it.

In hierarchical polyamory, some relationships take priority: a primary partner may share a home, money or long-term plans. Solo polyamory describes people who have meaningful relationships but keep their independence, often without a live-in partner. A polycule is the whole network of partners and partners' partners.

People also differ in how much their partners interact. In kitchen-table polyamory, metamours (your partner's other partners) are comfortable spending time together. In parallel polyamory, each relationship runs largely separately.

Ethical non-monogamy relies on clear, revisited agreements. Some couples choose "don't ask, don't tell", others want to share details. A veto, where one partner can ask another to end a relationship, is common in some arrangements and criticised in others because it can leave newer partners with little say.

Feelings do not disappear because an arrangement is consensual. Jealousy is common and worth talking about rather than hiding. Many people also describe compersion, a sense of joy at seeing a partner happy with someone else, and learn to recognise new relationship energy, the early excitement that can temporarily pull attention away from existing partners.

Profiles often signal non-monogamy with short words. "Partnered" usually means the person has a partner who knows they are dating. A unicorn is a single person, often a bisexual woman, who dates an existing couple, and unicorn hunter is a frequently critical term for couples seeking one without much thought for that person's needs.

Whatever the label, the basics are the same as in any relationship: honesty about what you want, respect for everyone's boundaries and safer-sex agreements that all partners know about.