Don't ask, don't tell - meaning and definition
AlsoDADTdon't ask don't tellDADT arrangementdon't ask don't tell relationship
Definition
A non-monogamous agreement in which partners allow outside relationships but prefer not to hear any details about them.
At a glance
- Outside relationships are allowed, but partners agree not to share details.
- Often shortened to DADT.
- Some choose it to avoid managing feelings about specifics.
- Critics say it can make safer-sex and emotional conversations harder.
- Many DADT couples still agree on essentials they must share, such as health information.
In detail
Under a don't ask, don't tell arrangement, outside connections are permitted in principle, yet partners agree not to discuss them. Some people choose this because they want freedom without having to manage feelings about specifics.
Critics point out that DADT can make it hard to discuss safer sex, emotional changes or problems as they arise, and it may drift into secrecy. People who choose it often still agree on a few essential things they must share, such as health information.
In a sentence
- We have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, but we always share anything health related.
- DADT didn't work for us because I ended up imagining the worst.
Where the word comes from
Borrowed from the name of a former US military policy on lesbian, gay and bisexual service members, in place from 1994 to 2011, and reused for this kind of relationship agreement.
Not to be confused with
- Infidelity
In DADT the arrangement itself is agreed; infidelity involves breaking an agreement.
Common questions
Is don't ask, don't tell a healthy arrangement?
It can work for some couples, but it carries risks: important changes may go undiscussed and it can drift into secrecy. Agreeing on a few things that must always be shared, especially health matters, helps.