Psychology of intimacy

Secure attachment

Alsosecurely attachedsecure attachment style

Definition

Secure attachment describes a relatively settled way of relating in which a person is comfortable with closeness, can depend on others and can also cope with time apart.

At a glance

  • Securely attached people are generally comfortable with both closeness and time apart.
  • They tend to express needs directly and recover from conflict without feeling the relationship is under threat.
  • Secure people still feel jealousy or hurt, but these feelings are usually manageable.
  • Earned security describes people who move toward a secure pattern later in life.

In detail

People with a mostly secure attachment pattern tend to trust that a partner will be there for them, express needs directly and recover from conflict without feeling that the relationship is under threat. This does not mean they never feel jealous or hurt; it means those feelings are usually manageable.

Security is not a personality prize that some people win and others lose. Research on earned security shows that people can move toward it through stable relationships, reflection and therapy. When dating profiles mention being securely attached, the writer usually means they value calm, clear communication.

In a sentence

  • I'd describe myself as securely attached, so I'm happy to talk things through when something feels off.
  • After a few years with a steady partner, I feel much more secure than I used to.

Where the word comes from

The term grew out of Mary Ainsworth's infant observation studies in the 1960s and 1970s, in which securely attached children used their caregiver as a safe base. It was later applied to adult relationships from the late 1980s.

Common questions

What does secure attachment look like in adults?

Common features include trusting that a partner will be there, being able to ask for support, coping with time apart and handling disagreements without feeling the relationship is ending. It does not mean never feeling anxious or upset.

Can you become securely attached?

Yes. Researchers use the term earned security for people who develop a more secure pattern through reliable relationships, reflection or therapy, even if their early experiences were difficult.

Related terms

Sources

  1. Journal of Personality and Social PsychologyHazan & Shaver (1987) Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process