Psychology of intimacy

Avoidant attachment

Alsodismissive-avoidant attachmentavoidantly attacheddismissive avoidantavoidant attachment styleavoidant partner

Definition

Avoidant attachment is a pattern of relating in which a person values independence strongly and tends to pull back when closeness or emotional demands increase.

At a glance

  • Avoidant attachment involves a strong preference for independence and pulling back as closeness grows.
  • Avoidant people do care about relationships, often expressing it through practical help rather than words.
  • Researchers distinguish dismissive avoidance from fearful avoidance.
  • Avoidance is seen as a learned way of staying safe by not depending on others, and it can soften over time.

In detail

People with an avoidant pattern often feel most comfortable when they can rely on themselves. As a relationship becomes more serious, they may become busier, change the subject during emotional conversations, or feel crowded by a partner's needs. Attachment researchers see this as a learned way of staying safe by not depending on others.

Avoidant people do care about their relationships; they may simply express care through practical help rather than words. Bartholomew and Horowitz distinguished dismissive avoidance, where closeness is played down, from fearful avoidance, where it is both wanted and feared. Like other styles, avoidance can soften with safe, patient relationships.

In a sentence

  • I'm a bit avoidant, so I need some space after a big emotional conversation, but I always come back.
  • Her friend joked that she gets busy the moment a date starts to feel serious, which is classic avoidant attachment.

Where the word comes from

Mary Ainsworth described an avoidant pattern in infants in the 1970s. In 1991 Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz proposed a four-category model for adults that split avoidance into dismissive and fearful forms.

Not to be confused with

  • Stonewalling

    Stonewalling is a specific behaviour during conflict; avoidant attachment is a broader, long-term relational pattern.

Common questions

Do avoidant people want relationships?

Often, yes. People with an avoidant pattern may want connection but feel uncomfortable as emotional demands increase. They may show care through practical help or reliability rather than through talking about feelings.

What is the difference between dismissive and fearful avoidance?

Dismissive avoidance plays down the importance of closeness and relies strongly on self-sufficiency. Fearful avoidance involves both wanting closeness and fearing it, so a person may move between seeking and withdrawing.

Related terms

Sources

  1. Journal of Personality and Social PsychologyBartholomew & Horowitz (1991) Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model