Psychology of intimacy

Stonewalling

Alsothe silent treatmentstonewallsilent treatment

Definition

Stonewalling is withdrawing from a conversation or conflict by going silent, looking away or refusing to engage, leaving the other person without a response.

At a glance

  • Stonewalling means withdrawing from a conversation by going silent or refusing to engage.
  • It is one of Gottman's four horsemen that predict relationship difficulties.
  • It often happens when someone feels emotionally flooded and overwhelmed.
  • An agreed break with a clear return is different from stonewalling.

In detail

In Gottman's research, stonewalling is one of the four horsemen that predict relationship difficulties. It often happens when someone becomes physiologically overwhelmed, a state he called flooding, and shutting down feels like the only way to cope.

Taking a break is not the same as stonewalling. Saying "I need twenty minutes to calm down, then I want to come back to this" gives both people a clear path back. Persistent silence used to punish or control a partner, however, can form part of emotional abuse.

In a sentence

  • Whenever we argue, he stonewalls me and I end up talking to a wall.
  • I used to stonewall without realising; now I say I need twenty minutes and then come back.

Where the word comes from

The verb stonewall was used in the 19th century for deliberately obstructive tactics, in politics and in cricket. John Gottman adopted it for a pattern of withdrawal in couples' conflict.

Not to be confused with

  • Ghosting

    Ghosting ends contact entirely, usually in dating; stonewalling is shutting down within an ongoing relationship or conversation.

Common questions

What is the difference between stonewalling and taking a break?

A break is communicated and temporary, for example 'I need twenty minutes to calm down, then I want to talk again'. Stonewalling leaves the other person without a response or a path back to the conversation.

Is stonewalling a form of abuse?

Not usually on its own, because it often comes from feeling overwhelmed. However, persistent silence used deliberately to punish or control a partner can form part of emotional abuse. Domestic abuse services can help anyone unsure about their situation.

Related terms

Sources

  1. The Gottman InstituteThe Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling