Four horsemen - meaning and definition
Alsothe four horsemen of the apocalypse (relationships)Gottman four horsemencriticism contempt defensiveness stonewalling
Definition
The four horsemen are four communication patterns identified by John Gottman as strong predictors of relationship breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
At a glance
- The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
- Gottman considers contempt the most damaging of the four.
- Each has a suggested antidote, such as a gentle start-up instead of criticism.
- Most couples use them occasionally; the concern is when they become the usual pattern.
In detail
Criticism attacks a partner's character rather than a specific behaviour. Contempt expresses superiority or disgust, for example through mockery or eye-rolling, and Gottman considers it the most damaging of the four. Defensiveness deflects responsibility, and stonewalling means shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation.
Gottman also suggested antidotes: a gentle start-up instead of criticism, building appreciation instead of contempt, taking responsibility instead of defending, and self-soothing instead of stonewalling. Most couples use the horsemen occasionally; the concern is when they become the usual way of handling disagreement.
In a sentence
- Our counsellor pointed out that we were stuck in two of the four horsemen: criticism and defensiveness.
- I caught myself rolling my eyes and remembered contempt is the worst of the four horsemen.
Where the word comes from
John Gottman named the patterns after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Book of Revelation, as a vivid image of warning signs. The concept comes from his couples research and became widely known in the 1990s.
Common questions
What are the antidotes to the four horsemen?
Gottman suggested a gentle start-up instead of criticism, building appreciation and respect instead of contempt, taking responsibility instead of defensiveness, and self-soothing (often by taking a break) instead of stonewalling.
Does using the four horsemen mean a relationship is doomed?
No. Almost all couples slip into them sometimes. Gottman's concern is when they become the usual way of handling disagreement. Couples can learn to notice them and use the antidotes, and a couples therapist can help with this.
Related terms
Sources
- The Gottman InstituteThe Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling