Psychology of intimacy

Repair attempt

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Definition

A repair attempt is anything a person says or does during or after conflict to reduce tension and stop an argument from escalating.

At a glance

  • A repair attempt is anything said or done to reduce tension during or after conflict.
  • Examples include an apology, a joke, a gentle touch or a request for a break.
  • Gottman's research found that successful repair predicted stability better than how often couples argued.
  • Recognising and accepting a partner's repair matters as much as making one.

In detail

Repair attempts can be an apology, a joke, a gentle touch, a request for a break or simply saying "I can see this matters to you". The concept comes from Gottman's research, which found that the success of repair attempts predicted relationship stability better than how often couples argued.

Whether a repair works depends partly on the emotional climate. In relationships with a lot of goodwill, even clumsy repairs tend to be accepted; when resentment has built up, they may be missed or rejected. Learning to notice and accept a partner's repair is as important as making one.

In a sentence

  • Her silly face in the middle of the argument was a repair attempt, and it worked.
  • We've agreed that saying 'pause, I love you' is our repair attempt when things get heated.

Where the word comes from

The concept comes from John Gottman's research on couples, carried out from the 1970s onward and widely described in his books from the 1990s.

Common questions

Why do repair attempts sometimes fail?

Whether a repair lands depends partly on the emotional climate. Where there is a lot of goodwill, even clumsy attempts tend to be accepted. When resentment has built up, a partner may miss or reject them. Couples therapists often work on both making and accepting repairs.

Related terms

Sources

  1. The Gottman InstituteR is for repair