Psychology of intimacy

Bids for connection

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Definition

A bid for connection is any small attempt to get a partner's attention, interest or support, from a comment about the weather to a hand on the shoulder.

At a glance

  • A bid is any small attempt to get a partner's attention, interest or support.
  • Partners can turn toward a bid, turn away from it or turn against it.
  • In the Gottmans' studies, couples who stayed together turned toward bids far more often.
  • The idea highlights that closeness is built in ordinary, repeated moments.

In detail

The term comes from the research of John and Julie Gottman, who observed couples in everyday settings. They found that partners constantly make small bids and that the other person can turn toward them (respond with interest), turn away (ignore them) or turn against them (respond with irritation).

In the Gottmans' studies, couples who stayed together turned toward each other's bids far more often than couples who later separated. The finding highlights that closeness is built in ordinary, repeated moments rather than grand gestures.

In a sentence

  • When he pointed out the sunset, I realised it was a bid for connection, so I put my phone down.
  • We've started noticing each other's bids, even the tiny ones like sending a funny photo.

Where the word comes from

The term comes from John and Julie Gottman's research on couples in the 1990s and was popularised through John Gottman's books in the early 2000s.

Common questions

What are examples of bids for connection?

A comment about something seen on a walk, a question about someone's day, a joke, a sigh that invites a response, a touch on the arm or a shared link can all be bids. They are often small and easy to miss.

What does turning toward a bid mean?

It means responding with interest or warmth, even briefly, for example by looking up, answering or asking a follow-up question. Turning away means ignoring the bid, and turning against means responding with irritation.

Related terms

Sources

  1. The Gottman InstituteTurn toward instead of away