Psychology of intimacy

Emotional flooding

Alsofloodingdiffuse physiological arousalfloodedfeeling floodedemotional overwhelm

Definition

Emotional flooding is a state of being so physically and emotionally overwhelmed during conflict that clear thinking and listening become very difficult.

At a glance

  • Flooding is being so overwhelmed during conflict that clear thinking and listening become very hard.
  • Common signs include a racing heart, tense muscles and an urge to fight, flee or shut down.
  • Gottman's research linked flooding to stonewalling and spiralling arguments.
  • Couples therapists often suggest a pause of at least twenty minutes before returning to the conversation.

In detail

When flooded, people often notice a racing heart, tense muscles and an urge to fight, flee or shut down. Gottman's research linked flooding to stonewalling and to arguments that spiral, because the body's stress response makes it hard to take in what a partner is saying.

A common suggestion from couples therapists is to agree on a pause of at least twenty minutes, spent doing something calming rather than rehearsing the argument, before returning to the conversation. Recognising flooding as a body state, rather than a character failing, can make it easier to talk about.

In a sentence

  • I could feel myself getting flooded, so I asked if we could take a break and walk around the block.
  • Once we understood emotional flooding, our arguments stopped turning into shouting matches.

Where the word comes from

The term was popularised by John Gottman's couples research in the 1990s, which measured partners' physical stress responses during conflict.

Common questions

What should you do when you feel flooded?

A common suggestion is to say you need a break, agree on when you will come back, and spend the pause doing something calming rather than rehearsing the argument. Many people find twenty minutes or more helps the body settle.

Related terms

Sources

  1. The Gottman InstituteThe Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling